I am leaving for home tomorrow and after 6 weeks away, I have mixed feelings. Excitement and longing for my own nest is the greatest emotion, but right on the tail of this is regret and sadness to see this chapter come to a close.

Humans are perfectly imperfect, are we not? We can, on the one hand, feel great joy while at the very same time, we also feel a sense of melancholy. When God created us, He must have said “Let these beautiful beings be complex in every way for a greater learning experience”. The vast array of emotions we experience in our lifetime is unique to humans which creates a very rich, diverse experience.

What started as a health scare for our daughter, turned into a six week period of time where Mother and daughter came together in one place alone. There has been a whole gambit of emotions to be dealt with as our daughter chafed at living under the restrictions of no driving for three months. Her husband travels with his job, so they needed someone to stay with her and be her driver. We realize that we could have hired an Uber driver for her needs, but I felt she needed someone here for emotional support as she came to terms with yet another new health challenge. Before 2020, she was in excellent health and in the last two years, it has been one thing after the other. Not sure what is happening, but, since we have limited control we just pray and make the best of things.

I told her brother when he called that I thought she may be feeling smothered by having Mother around all the time. Thank goodness she could go to work three days a week to give her some breathing room. This left me in another persons home, in a strange town with nothing to do until my time came to drive. Hence, began the projects. I knew if I just sat around for 6 weeks (as if I were a houseplant) things could spiral downward in a hurry due to restlessness and frustration on both our parts. I asked permission first, received it, and then rolled up my sleeves and got to work.

In the beginning she and I cleaned out three full suburban loads of stuff collected from all the closets and cupboards and drove it all to Goodwill. After that, I asked her permission to paint things in need of refreshing and she granted the request. I began painting doors, walls and ceilings in the laundry room, guest bedroom and guest bathroom. While I was in action, I did quite well, but once I sat down at the end of the day, my body went into full body stiffness. It was so crazy. When I was in motion, I felt as I always have. When I stopped, it was like I was an old jalopy seizing up. What the heck is that all about?

I have decided that “what this is all about” are many lessons wrapped into one. The lessons are here in a broader sense of this time together. The physical aspect is only one part of it. Lets face it, I am not even middle aged anymore though my spirit just does not understand this. The reason my body rears up in anger is because the body and spirit no longer match. My spirit is young and my body is old…it is as simple as that. As my Dad used to say, “The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak!”. haha! I always laughed when he said that, but it is clear to me now that he was not joking. It is true!

Miraculously though, as the weeks passed, my body got stronger and stronger. Climbing a ladder was easy peasy and painting a ceiling with a long handled roller with my head bent towards my back became second nature to me. I realized as the days passed that when “purpose” returned to my life, so did love of life itself. Humans are meant to have a purpose of one kind or another as long as we walk this earth, or we become stagnant and useless in our journey.

In some ways, my daughter and I together actually do resemble an old jalopy where early on in this journey we had the herky-jerky motion of one stepping on the accelerator at the same time as the other stepped on the brakes. She is no longer a child but I think she felt like one as I drove her to and from work much like I did when she was in junior high school. She hated it and was vocal about it. As time moved forward, she got used to it and realized she could see an end in sight. On my end, I have always been a person who burned the midnight oil. I have always been a night owl, and because of this habit, I enjoyed sleeping in a little bit in the mornings. Now I was on a new schedule of getting up at 5:30 a.m. and once again, my old body rebelled, but “spirit” firmly put it in its place. This was our new temporary life and “body” may just as well decide to adjust! So there!

I just graduated with an “honorary masters degree” in the mastering of keeping my opinions to myself. Oh boy, there were so many moments when I wanted to play the “Mother knows best” role, but I knew it was actually best to not go there. Daughter was suffering so many emotions and adjustments, she did not need to have a manager mother around on top of everything else.

During this time, I learned what it would feel like to be a solitary older Mother living with her adult child and it was unfamiliar and uncomfortable territory when viewed in this fashion. I missed my partner so much. I realize that after nearly 50 years, we are no longer separate human beings. Somewhere along the way we fused and became ONE, so living without the other speaks to what life would be like living as a HALF rather than as a whole. I doubt a person ever feels whole again after such a loss. I only got a peek into this, and the thought of it nearly broke my heart. It makes me feel grief for my friends who have had to continue their journey in life as a half. In truth, we are ALL whole and complete unto ourselves and I do not mean to imply otherwise. I only mean that it “feels” as if we are not whole until life kicks in and we can find our true solitary identity once again.

She and I have had our ups as well as our downs. We have had some words, both positive and negative. We have shared tears and then great joy and laughter. In the end, we came together very well and I feel blessed for having had this once in a lifetime opportunity for a Mother and Daughter to be alone together in one house for 6 weeks. In the back of our mind we knew it was not a permanent situation, which I am sure helped with the adjustment on both accounts.

She says she has finally figured me out! haha! Well good luck with that thought, daughter dear, because my own Mother died never having done so. She used to scratch her head in bewilderment with some of my thoughts and actions. I think the same will be true with my daughter as well when she reflects on me after I have left this earth. Truth be told I haven’t even figured me out. I don’t understand even half the thoughts and feelings that percolate through my mind on any given day. I am old enough to know that we are not really meant to figure out everyone and everything. Sometimes we just go with whatever happens and let our spirit take over. Go with the flow as they say because our lessons are happening all the time.

As for my understanding of my daughter, I am leaving with happy thoughts. I leave with the knowledge that she is not nearly as sensitive as I am which will save her a lot of grief in this world. I used to worry about her feeling lonely as her husband is away often with his career. I realize now that she is very independent and has many friends to talk with to keep her company. She is just fine in this regard. Her love of her dog has seeped into my being and now I love Lil Nugget too. Six weeks of me and Nugget spending countless hours together while A is at work has created a human/canine bond that did not exist before. I was never one who had to have a dog in the home although we did when the kids were young. When Max was brought home as a puppy, he had to follow strict rules. NO getting on the furniture was ever allowed and that especially meant no sleeping with a dog in our bed. This little dog sleeps with A and G. Nugget also likes to curl up on the sofa or chair to sleep. This is allowed in their house rule book. After 6 weeks she sometimes chooses me over A and snuggles up next to me on the sofa. It has become so second nature these days, I find myself absentmindedly petting her as I read my email and she just presses herself against me and burrows deeper into slumber. I have to say, I have grown to love our little grand dog, and it is just fine that she is on the sofa, which is proof of everyday miracles when it comes to me.

Thank you God for this time together of one older Mother and her almost middle aged daughter. (Seriously, can these ages really be so?) Despite the continuous daily adjustment of one human with another, in the end we came together with a new appreciation of each other. Mothers and daughters are a part of Gods lessons to us in understanding that one can love another person even if their personalities are mirror opposites of one another. Where one is weak, the other is strong and therefore, if we are open to it, we learn to hone our life skills through another human being.. I doubt this kind of arrangement will ever happen again, and I am delighted to have experienced it. No matter where you find yourself in life, no matter what is happening at the time, it is likely not a permanent situation. With life comes change so I find comfort in what my Mother used to say in response to their frequent career moves. She would say, “No matter where I go, there I am!”. haha! It still makes me laugh. Yes, indeed, no matter where I go, “there I am!”. Hence, in life’s ever present sea of change, we find the familiar which consists of me, myself and I.

Everywhere I go, THERE I AM! Amen!

jjb/4/16/2022

It’s morning again….and this time I am sitting in “the office” as my daughter calls it, which consists of me sitting on her sofa in the living room. I am hunkered down in the corner of the sofa closest to her big living room window which looks out on the street.

I am tired today and my muscles are sore from painting her laundry room yesterday while she was at work. It is not easy to paint a small space with big appliances. I was in various contorted positions…up on a ladder, to edge paint along the ceiling, then I was bent over at the waist, squashed between the washer and dryer trying to paint the wall behind them. I had to move both machines back and forth as I painted just to finish the wall. I had no trouble doing any of this….but man oh man, am I paying for it today! I have muscles I didn’t know I had and they are in protest of yesterdays activity. But, I feel satisfied, none the less, for having a beautifully painted room to present to my daughter when she got home.

Why am I doing all these projects? Because I can’t imagine just sitting here day after day for 6 whole weeks. I need to have a purpose and she and her husband are the beneficiary of that same purpose.

Its the work ethic I grew up with. Idle hands were often put to work if you could not find something to do, so we learned quickly to choose for ourselvess. This work I am creating for myself is good for me if sore muscles are any indication. It means that I am using muscles that have been dormant for far too long.

I have been busy the entire time I have been here, always asking permission before each project. Today, I paint the guest bathroom. Why not? Neither my daughter or husband have a lot of spare time for extended projects. Hence they have free labor at their disposal. Our daughter is very pleased and said “MOM! You are a machine!”. I have heard that before!

This writing was put aside as I ventured into more projects including painting the guest bathroom and bedroom, which were, thankfully, the last of the paint projects. All physical work was offered and accepted. Now they have three fully refreshed painted rooms. I also worked outside in the backyard filling pots with flowers which of course is my first love…Being outside in the garden is good for the soul!

It has been an interesting experience living in our daughters house for so long. We are both learning to co-exist in a respectful fashion towards one another. In some ways she and I are much alike, but in other ways we are very, very different. For starters, we come together from two generations which the span from one generation to the next in this day and age is HUGE.

Our preferences are often different. Music is a big one. I love soft flowing music and she loves faster louder music. I love routine from day to day and she flies by the seat of her pants as they used to say. I love deep philosophical discussions whereas she communicates in sound bites. The good thing about being together for 6 weeks is that when one is with a “soundbite” conversationalist, you need a lot time to piece together their thoughts to understand how they think. I have learned a lot about my daughter and most of it is good.

My husband is coming to pick me up to bring me back home for Easter dinner with our son and wife who lives in the same city as we do. We have reservations at a restaurant late afternoon and I look forward to the lively conversation and really look forward to being waited upon. Oh yes, there is that side of me as well. ”Waiter, oh waiter! “ ha! ha!

Time just keeps moving along bringing to me one new adventure and lesson after another. The biggest lesson this time is understanding how very independent our daughter is. She doesn’t really “Mommy” anymore, but she does love and enjoy her Mother/Friend. Her Mother enjoys her back. She is a powerhouse full of confidence and resolve. No one will ever take her down in life. If we were turtles, she would be the one with the shell, and I am the one minus the shell…She has a sensitive side as well, but it is protected with the armor of youth. I am sensitive which some may consider a weakness, but I think of it as a strength. Where we are weak we are strong, or at least we learn to be. Strength with a sensitivity towards others has its place and is needed in this fast paced society of people too busy to ponder the life of another.

My daughter is home today and she keeps asking me if I am o.k. (no doubt because I am so quiet) I am just tired and today is my day to do nothing but read and write and relax. Our projects are all done and she said she felt that these projects have contributed to a stronger bond between us. I am glad to hear this. A health scare on her part brought me here in the first place and has kept me here for 6 weeks. She is doing great and her husband soon comes home from his traveling career. He will be here for her for the next 6 months and then in 6 weeks time she is free to drive to her hearts content. She will be THRILLED!

I am lonesome for my husband….I have never been away from him for so long, although he did come here for a couple of days two weeks ago. It has been a good and rewarding time, but I am now like a birdie ready to leave someone else’s nest! Fly birdie fly. She flew out of our nest 25 years ago and now I am flying out of hers. I can relate to the euphoria she must have felt back then.

I look forward to wandering around my own gardens, sitting on my own sofa and sleeping in my own bed. I look forward to going back to a contemplative life full of books and flowers and conversation with my other half, my very favorite person in the world! It is with him where I belong, where I will live out my natural life. I was so blessed to meet him so many years ago! I am so blessed to still have him in my life.

Life….It has been a privilege to have had this journey. I look forward to many new adventures!

I was swept off of my feet, by a man who was sweet
When I was a mere slip of a girl.
As we danced our first dance, our attraction advanced,
With each little dip and swirl.

I was really quite sure his intentions were pure.
I could tell by his modest replies.
It did not take long as we swayed to that song,
To know he was one catch of a guy.

My smile became brighter and my heart became lighter,
When we married and started our home.
It makes my heart leap to feel a love rich and deep
for Al, the man in this poem.

48 years have gone by, which brings tears to my eyes
To feel so lovingly blessed.
I pray that someday we’ll still dance and sway
Together, in our heavenly dress.

JJB/4/30/2021

Good Morning! One thing that is a relatively new thing for me is how my sleeping patterns have changed. Some nights I can sleep a solid 9 hours and other nights I open my eyes after 4-6 hours feeling WIDE AWAKE, yet attempting to roll over one more time to catch another wink or two. But, alas, the rooster has crowed in my mind and I know I may as well get up! Last night was one of those nights. I slept like the dead for about 5 hours, from 10 pm to 3 am and then that was it!

It worked out fine for me though because Mr. B and I are driving up to our future daughter in laws mothers home today and we are going to have a socially distanced lunch out on her patio. We decided to “brown bag it” to be safe and I decided to bring some brunch type breakfast muffins. I am making them with biscuits, sausage, hash browns, green onions, eggs and cheese. They should be yummy and I plan on bringing a few extra along to leave with our dil’s mother for future consumption.

So, first things first, I made coffee and poured it into a cup that was a gift to me from a long time friend who was one of my bridesmaids in our wedding. Considering how long I have been married, I am rather proud to still be able to call her my friend. As we move into the autumn and winter of our life, we come to realize just how valuable long term friendships are. We know each other’s history and she and I kid each other about the fact that we “have” to stay friends because we have too much information on each other. We always laugh and say “If I go down, YOU go down”, meaning that neither of us must ever tell some of the things we know about each other. Lol! So I tip my cup to my friend who I call Ethel (I am her Lucy) and wish her a telepathic “Good Morning” because she lives in the far northern climate and while I reside in the south.

It is still dark out at 5:22 a.m. and I have been up over an hour already. Normally I am a night owl type, where I enjoy reading long into the night, but on these rare occasions where I am up early, I find I enjoy the beginning of the day as well.

The furnace is running this morning. This is the 4th night of a cold front that came through, but fortunately, the weather man is promising that today will be in the 70’s. I love weather in the fall where the sun is warm and the air is crisp. God knew we Texans would need variety so he blessed us with it! Today is going to be a very nice day. We will get to enjoy nice temps, a nice drive and a social outing of which there are very few in these days of covid.

COVID! That nasty invisible enemy that lurks out there just waiting for us to bump into it! We avoid doing this by staying home. It has been 7 1/2 months already since Covid turned our life upside. We went from having fun part time jobs to being unemployed because we are in the high risk group. We used to have friends over to our home often, but now we rarely do because of distancing issues. We haven’t seen our older son and his family in over a year because it would require an airline flight or a motel stop if we drove. We used to frequent restaurants a lot, and have only eaten “out” three times since we have been shelter in place, and those times we ate outside on a patio. Church has been closed for a long time so we attend virtually. The pattern of our life which used to be very busy, came to a screeching stop!

BUT, some good things have come out of this! We have been spending much more time on our property planting and trimming. I have never cooked this much in my life. By cooking, I mean trying new recipes and making delicious simple meals. It has been fun finding recipes online and creating something I haven’t tried before. Mr. B sure enjoys it! Eating out has lost its attraction for us and even when covid finally leaves town, I doubt we will ever again spend that much time or money on dining out in the future as we once did, nor on shopping or entertainment….

We have returned to our roots, metaphorically speaking. We were both raised in simpler times, in simpler homes, with simplistic needs for happiness. It does not take all that much to make us feel happy and content. We have replaced television with books and online documentaries, cooking shows, and old movies. Whatever made us think we needed so MUCH in the pursuit of happiness? We spent many years pursuing “the dream” and in many ways it worked out for us because we were able to put our children through college, move to the south, build our retirement home and so on. But, now that we are here, sheltered in place as they call it, we have rediscovered who we really are and we are happy. We recognize the imperfections in ourselves and each other and feel the love anyway. We see the imperfections of our lives and feel gratitude anyway. We see the imperfections of the world and we pray to the one and only perfect person who ever lived, and then we feel contentment!

Life is good!

Now, I have to see about how those breakfast muffins are doing! Will check back in with a picture!

YUM!

jjb/10/31/2020

As I here in my old leather chair in our kitchen/sitting room, the sound of a strong wind beckons me to look through our windows. I can see the branches of our trees moving about by the sheer force of our Autumnal wind. No wonder the nickname for Autumn is “fall” because many of the leaves are doing just that. They are being blown off of the tree limbs and like little parachuters they are falling every which way as they ride the currents of the air. They flit this way and that way, until they finally coast on down and hit the ground. The word “blustery” comes to mind. The sun peeks out on occasion as the clouds scuttle by hurriedly in the wind.

A cold front moved into Texas a couple of days ago and as a result of this, I went into full “north country girl” mode. I dug out the pots and pans and baking utensils and I continued on with the Christmas cooking project I began a while back for our daughter and son in law. They are a busy career couple who rarely have anything to eat that is not grilled or tossed… as in grilled meat and a salad. (Quick and Healthy). I wholeheartedly approve of how they usually eat healthy and I support that! We ALL should eat like this most of the year, but holidays are special times to indulge in some good old comfort food!

We will likely not see each other on Christmas 😢 because she will be working in the cardiac intensive care unit. The holidays are when home cooking is much desired, so I decided to make them a variety of home cooked meals to help them celebrate the holiday. I am making old fashioned dishes like my Mother and Grandmother used to make which equates to delicious because I am using their old recipes.

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Delicious does not always equate to healthy eating, so I am substituting keto ingredients wherever possible as I attempt to preserve the original intended flavor. The idea is for them to have a freezer full of home cooked meals that they can pull out, thaw and reheat; (not every night of the week of course, because that would be unhealthy eating). I thought that perhaps once a week they can have a nice dinner together with a glass of wine and candles casting a glow on the table as they share their work experiences of the week previous. I hope their taste buds feel the love behind the flavor because I am liberally seasoning all the food I am preparing for them with loving thoughts.

It came to me that this culinary act I am partaking in could be described as “an old love thing” (to quote an old Tammy Wynette/George Jones song). 😄 Of course Tammy and George were singing about something other than cooking, but the application is still the same. Our maternal ancestors expressed their love for their families in their kitchens and I remember very well the sounds and aromas emanating from my Grandmothers and Mothers kitchens. I still salivate when I catch the scent of fresh baked bread, or the spicy, meaty aroma from my Mothers home cooked pork and beef roasts slow cooked and simmering in their combined juices in one large cast iron pan.

I was going to bake Cornish Pasties today, but have to wait for a grocery delivery of the course ground beef. The Pasties will have to wait for another day to be made. I am excited about creating this Cornish aka Finnish/Swedish baked meat and potato pie because I have never attempted to make them before! This Pandemic delivers certain odd rewards as we hunker down in modern day confinement advised for high risk individuals. One reward is the gift of excess time. We were always too busy before to spend this much time in the kitchen and I am finding myself humming little tunes as I listen to music in the background. Humming usually comes with feelings of contentment, so I guess the Pandemic has delivered a blessing of domestic happiness to me in the midst of everything else it has done. A little bit of good along with the bad. So the year 2020 might as well forget trying to get me to give up on life! I love life and to keep it interesting, I just keep changing up what I do from day to day.

The day is speeding by and my project of disassembling all of my old albums is calling to me from our home office. It is a HUGE task to go through 50 years of pictures and decide who gets what! The end result will create room on my shelves where the albums used to sit, and it will be one less thing for the kids to have to concern themselves with after we go to join our parents.

In the meantime, it is a great day to be alive, don’t you think? EVERY day is a gift!

jjb/10/29/2920

Good morning everyone! The cold front finally hit Texas, so we woke up in the middle of the night shivering and had to get up to add another blanket! Wow! It reached 80 degrees just 2 days ago and last night I think Al said it dropped to 47. Brrrrrrrr!

Al had one of those nights where he slept until 2 a.m. (about the time we got up to add another blanket) and when we went back to bed, he could not get back to sleep. When I got up this morning, he was tipped back in his recliner snoozing, so I talked him into just going back to bed. These days there is rarely anything on our calendar anyway, so no reason for him not to do so.

I feel I want to address my previous commentary about cooking and baking for our daughter. In hindsight, I see that it sounds rather braggadocio but when I wrote it, I was filled up inside with warm feelings of loving kindness and wanted to express that feeling. I did not mean to say “look at what a great Mom I am!” (because I most certainly am not….just ask the kids…they may vote for average 🤨). I was just having so much fun cooking while imagining her feeling like we were right there in her home every time she reached into the freezer.

Our daughter and husband are what is sometimes called “dinks”…(duo income no kids). She has a wonderful husband who travels with his career. So, for the times when she comes home to only her French Bulldog, I thought it would be nice for her to find “us” there with her through the extension of the food we made for her, stuff she will never make for herself, because as she said, “I just don’t cook that much Mom”. She will make easy things like salads and burgers, but doesn’t mess around with things that may require a recipe. So, these types of foods are embraced and most welcomed by her on occasion.

Life is strange…When I was young, I imagined after we had our children that we would have many grandchildren sitting at our table eating Swedish Pancakes and coming for sleep overs. But, I am reminded of the old phrase “When Man makes plans, God smiles”. The truth is that while we are all busy making plans, life happens, that often bears no resemblance to what we had originally imagined or intended. So, Al and I have just TWO grandchildren and we are GRATEFUL for those two. However, as luck would have it, they live in Minnesota and we live in Texas. Fortunately, we have a good relationship with them and in these days of covid they check in with us by way of texts, calls and emails. They have been raised very well, and are very bright girls. BUT, they are not here. 😢. We do not have the daily, weekly visits that so many of you have with your own grandchildren.

Time passes SO quickly. This fleeting of time has really taken us by surprise! Our older Granddaughter graduates high school this year and the younger one is a Freshman in high school.

So, in the many years Al and I have been married, we keep readjusting our sails upon the sea of life, taking on the headwinds to our dreams and facing the storms that come our way that could easily tip our boat. This latest storm is the Pandemic and it has stolen from us our sense of security, our sense of family, and our sense of purpose. Suddenly, we find ourselves isolated and overly cautious about the decisions we make. Where, once upon a time, I was impulsive and impetuous, I have become very slow to act on things, and where I was once gregarious, I find that I am getting far too comfortable in our little nest viewing the world through our window. It feels safe here and far removed from the craziness the world finds itself in.

The political dialog and the uncivil discourse that we have been subjected to through the news and social media since the Pandemic began has been soul crushing to me because if ever there were a peacemaker, I am the personification of that. I bloom when living in peace and I shrivel when faced with conflict. It all saddens me to the core. There is a spiritual warfare going on in our world and of that I have no doubt! I am making my self ready for the next storm…I am battening down the hatches.

So, just what does a Grandmotherly septugenarian do about all the hatred and discord and evil happening around her, other than to pray and vote and follow the pandemic rules that seem to change daily?

She carries on with her life, trying to create an illusion of peace and love and harmony and “doing unto others as we want them to do unto us”. She writes and she plants and she cooks in her own little orbit and tries to bring happiness to the people she loves. She tries to be grateful for all the things she has been blessed with and ignores the things that did not pan out for her. Time is only well spent when we think of others over ourselves.

So, today is Italian Spaghetti sauce and Quiche day! We have told Andrea she may need to being a couple of coolers down and she laughingly said she may have to buy a new freezer!

To anyone who may think this is about me being a good mama, thank you so much! You really give me too much credit! But I can see that these are YOUR good hearts responding to my project, all you good mothers who sense what this is about. Because, what it REALLY is about is creating a purpose for myself in a purposeless, covid isolated world. What is it they say? If life hands you lemons, make lemonade? That’s it for me.

(OR, maybe I could take those lemons, ZEST them, and make her a birthday dessert)….hmmmmm! Lol!

Love, Me… aka..Julia Child…..(nah, not even close, but this gal is working on it!)

jjb/10/27/2020

I never see a red geranium where it doesn’t bring to me memories of my childhood and visiting my maternal grandparents home. My grandparents always had potted red geraniums sitting on their front porch. Hence, each time I see a red geranium, I am transported back to a time and place in my life where I had absolutely no awareness of the workings of a government and how it can affect and even control ones life. This colorful flower brings to mind a time when my whole world revolved around a family axis where I felt loved and secure with a strong sense of belonging.

Thinking back now, I realize that I have never been “political” in my life. I have always voted, and my vote was dependent on what I saw on the local news. That was about it. That said, I have to also say that staying home for 7 months in the year 2020 has given this retired person a LOT of time in which to research everything I have ever wondered about, and I have learned SO much!

In a conversation with a friend the other day, we were talking about coming of age in the 1960’s when the Vietnam war was raging. Woodstock (during the so called “summer of love”) was the place to be if you were a young person in 1968. There used to be a saying that if you remember Woodstock, you weren’t there! That statement applies to me. I remember hearing about Woodstock but this old soul was not interested in attending. My contribution to the era of “peace, love and rock and roll” was wearing hip huggers with bell bottoms paired with a lot of colorful paisley print tops. I wore platform shoes and greeted everyone with the two fingered peace sign everywhere I went. I enjoyed feeling young, cute, and part of a generation that was out to save the world.

As my friend and I were comparing the politics of today to the politics back then, I told her that I just do not remember seeing or experiencing the enormous amount of hate and destruction that we are seeing now. I DO remember the very heated civil rights movement of the times and JFK being assassinated and it was shocking. Our school Superintendent brought all of us together into an assembly to watch the news and in that act alone, we were made aware of the enormity of it. JFK’s tragic assassination was followed by Martin Luther Kings assassination and finally, R.F.K.’s assassination as well. It left Americans in a dazed and frightened state of mind. We found ourselves wondering what horrible thing would happen next. I was impacted by the seriousness of the assassinations but it all seemed more “surreal” to me than real, like so,etching out of a very bad movie! In 1969, Richard M. Nixon became president. Ohio astronaut Neil Armstrong became the first man to walk on the moon. In Los Angeles, the cult of Charles Manson went on a two-night murderous rampage. In New York, 400,000 people showed up at a New York farm for the Woodstock music festival. I can remember when the Kent State shootings in 1970 horrifically ending what initially began as a peaceful anti war protest. Vietnam War protests were going on in Minneapolis, as well, at the same time I was working as a young nurse at the University of Minnesota Hospital system. Because I worked long hours at the hospital, I did not have the time to participate in any protest. While others were out there acting as political activists, I was taking care of very ill patients.I said to my friend, “So, in remembering the long and violent history of the 60’s why does everything seem so much more terrible and intense now than it was back then?”

She said, “Well, I think it is because in those days the news was limited to morning and evening, whereas now we have a 24 hour, 7 days a week cycle of news and there is no getting away from it. The shelter in place order and social media only intensifies what we are seeing and hearing.”

Her statement stopped me in my tracks because, of course, she is right! These days we are surrounded by the Main Stream Media news and until recent times I tended to believe what I heard because I grew up in a day and age where a persons word was their honor and we lived in a time when the news was factual, not biased. Hence, I thought that if it was on the news, it must be true! This is just not the case anymore. So much of what we hear and see in this day and age is not journalistic news. What used to be journalism has morphed into biased opinion pieces with a lot of rancor attached.

I have been doing a lot of research since living “shelter in place” and I have spent hours upon hours and entire days sifting through all kinds of information from Theologians, Historians, Scientists, Doctors of Medicine, both Conservative and Liberal views and what I have found has disturbed me.

What I have discovered is that in this day and age most Americans have their own version of the “truth”. How I view the world is colored by the information I receive and how you view things is colored by the information you receive and often it is two entirely different versions!

What is very disturbing to me is witnessing our National Leaders on all sides fighting non-stop and it seems we have more dishonesty than honesty running rampant in our upper level of government on ALL sides. There has been no compromise, no thoughtful debate, no civil discourse. Sometimes I wonder if we are following the same path that the Roman Empire walked and we know how that turned out for them. As a result of being saturated by the daily onslaught of negativity, many American citizens are following the same pattern! People have decided which “side” they are on and they feel they need to prove their point to others. It is especially sad when friends or family members begin to challenge each other. (What ever happened to privately voting for our personal choice?) When we add all of this to the “shelter in place” mandate we feel like we are being fed a toxic stew that is slowly poisoning all of us.

Despite the fact that our American life feels like it is on fire and under attack, I remind myself daily that what I really must FOCUS on are the blessings, because all of this mayhem feels like spiritual warfare to me. I choose to focus on what God can do for us rather than what Satan is dishing up. I believe we must care for one another despite our differences and we need to understand that the differences between us are in place to teach each other lessons in life! We can agree to disagree and be grateful if we can still manage to appreciate or even save the friendship for what it once was and still can be.For sanity’s sake, WE have created a rule for ourselves and for when we are with our family and friends, and it is that we no longer discuss politics with anyone! We want to keep the relationships we have formed over the years and we recognize that to do this, there are simply some topics that are off limits…money, religion and politics for starters!

While I realize it is important to keep myself informed of national and world events, I also understand how limited the power is that I have over any of it! Voting and praying are huge in their power and I plan to do both! Other than that, as we go forward, I will consciously take in each moment of each day with the understanding that the true daily gift of an ordinary life is a blessing to me!

jjb/10/8/2020

When I was a little girl and my Dad was going off somewhere, I would say, “Where are you going Daddy?” He would often jokingly respond with, “Crazy, wanna come with?”. I thought that was a funny response and would always laugh when he said it.

Now as we continue with our shelter in place, 180 days, almost 6 months since it has begun, the house is beginning to close in a bit! Some days, I wonder how to avoid that trip to crazy and am pretty sure no one wants to come with me and Al.

We live in what I have dubbed “the goldilocks house”. It’s not too big, it is not too small, it is just right. We really love our place. We enjoy our porch and courtyard, both of which help us during these days of covid to have a feeling of purpose with our cleaning, gardening, watering, painting and repairing. It is nice to be able to go outside and spend time with our plants and garden. Over all, our shelter in place has gone quite well! But, there ARE those days!

Thankfully, we have the internet to keep us in touch with friends and family via social media and zoom! We also have our cell phone which gives us phone calls, text, emails etc. These things help take the edge off of the solitary nature of our life in these quarantine days. But, it isn’t the same as being right there near your loved ones! I have never been a lover of crowds, but I would do most anything these days to be in a big room full of people so I could bask in all the energy that would come with it!

Quiet and solitude lends itself to deep thinking and deep reflecting! Still waters run deep, you know? I have ALWAYS been a thinker and a reader and a writer! While I have always enjoyed people, I especially enjoyed and treasured my quiet times! These days I do nonstop reading and research on the net which acts as pseudo company for me.

As of late, I feel a need to switch from inward introspection to looking outward! I miss the spontaneous movement and interaction of our previous life.

This morning we had many people sitting in our family room with us and it is always such a psychological lift to have everyone here. This always happens during devotions. Al will read the devotions for the day and then, following the devotions, Al takes our prayer list and reads off all the names of friends and family we are praying for daily. As he reads, one by one, they pass by my minds eye! I “see” the image of each person as the name is read and my heart responds with joy at their image while a petition to God is said on their behalf.

Our minds have a huge storage capacity for our memories starting in childhood. It is similar to looking at our photo albums where we see a vast amount of pictorial memories, beautifully preserved, and we relive the moment like it was just yesterday.

Devotions during the time of covid is a wonderful discipline and exercise and the rewards are immense. Prayer and petition are the ultimate vitamins for maintaining our spiritual health contributing towards the healing of others. At our age, our list is long because each year adds more people and more petitions. This long list speaks of the blessings of the abundance of people still in our life who matter to us!

Did you know you came for a visit today? It was lovely to see you and bask in your presence. Knowing of your existence gives meaning to our life! As a visual of our family and friends march through my mind as Al is reading your names, my feelings of crazy disappear. Your presence in our home feels loving and healing and I thank you for this fine spiritual medicine! I KNOW, without any doubt whatsoever, that we will meet again someday, here or on the other side! Imagine how joyous that reunion will be, in a place where peace and love reign supreme! I find myself thinking of so many people who have gone on before me…People I loved deeply, people who had influence on my life and it brings tears to my eyes! I miss them so much! To reunite with these people again will be a source of extreme joy!

At present, we live in very stressful, violent times! Satan is busy and there are many working on his behalf! Their work is visible, noisy, and frightening. But at the same time, WE work on Gods behalf and our work is quiet and silent! We know that in the end, God conquers all! I am grateful I am on His side of the equation!

🎼Onward Christian soldiers, going off to war,

with the cross of Jesus, going on before! 🎼

I just heard this song the other day and stopped to listen because I haven’t heard it in a long, long time! The song resonated with me. These are important times for Christians and we need to know what it is, and Who it is we are fighting for!

There is no doubt to me that we are on the winning side. We just need to do our work and pray that more and more follow in step for the cause! God wants to reign in as many believers as possible, and we can help Him do this!

God Bless America! We are doing our part with prayer while staying in place!

When the day comes where we finally get to see our children I will wrap my arms around them and hang on for dear life! I miss them SO much!

In the meantime, we will silent march in Gods army, knowing that prayers and petitions have immense power!

jjb/9/3/2020

Does anyone really see? Does anybody care?

We watch our country burning down. There are riots everywhere.

Where has gone the punishment for crimes done left and right?

Does the end justify the means, by thugs who roam the night?

Why do leaders turn their heads? Why is all of this allowed?

Hate is destroying America with a swelling, riotous crowd!

Main stream media tells us lies, “these are peaceful protests here.”

Then we see a man being shot! There is screaming far and near.

Whose children are these in our streets? Who taught them so much hate?

Destruction for peace and justice, does not at all equate!

Do they even know their reasons? Is civility so hard to find?

These people are destroying America! Destruction is on their minds!

Peaceful protests have been highjacked. It’s now looting, vandals, fires.

As we watch these people in action, We see that prayer is required.

Our hearts break as we view these scenes. Prayers for America are now world wide.

We are praying for God to show us grace. In His name our prayers abide!

Thank God this life is not all there is. Heaven awaits for you and me.

Tears are rolling down my face. I remember how life used to be.

I am growing old and this will pass. Things will settle down.

But America needs to remember, Who REALLY wears the crown!

We were once a beacon to the world. We could worship without fear.

God blessed this country for its faith. He held our country dear.

We need to return to our spiritual path. We need to get down on our knees.

Let us pray to God for our country! Please, God, keep America FREE!

jjb/8/30/2020

These days, in the modern era we live in, we have access to endless information, followed by endless opinions! Our brains and psyches were not created to receive so much input, nor so much negativity!

This morning I was perusing “Next Door”, a neighborhood website which delivers postings and comments from the e-community board right into my email inbox. Most times, I am very selective about what I read, keeping the input to things about what is new in our community and recommendations. For whatever reason, I began reading a political post with comments following about the RNC’s first night on air. I saw the comments expand from there and we are now on the 4th day of an ongoing thread that is getting nastier and more snide as it goes along!

By now, at my age, nothing should surprise me, but I am always amazed anew at the meanness of spirit when it comes to political discussions. I do not know any of the commentators personally, but after 4 days of reading, I have formed opinions about the people contributing to the debate.

There are the obvious intellectuals who put out their opinions with facts to support them in a non emotionally charged way! (This is ALWAYS what I prefer to read, because I just want the FACTS, not someone else’s spin on the facts, so I can decide for myself.) Then there are those who voice their fears of what is to come depending on who becomes President. They are definitely an anxious bunch and they speak with an urgency of what they fear is ahead! Of course the two sides go at it because they see only from their personal view and do not believe any possible good can come from the other side.

Then there are those who engage in a verbal mudslinging contest to defend their belief system and as it progresses, so does the anger and hate, because the mudslinging comes from both sides! With the mudslinging comes the name calling, the ridicule, and most disturbing, the meanness of spirit which shows WHO they really are as their character begins to rear its ugly head! Like anything we read without illustration or pictures, we have to form in our head a visual of who these people are and what they must be like as human beings. It is as if everyone has returned to the schoolyard where we all sit in our little groups of people with similar views to ours of the world. We watch the bullies fighting and we see people forming a circle around the altercation, egging them on because they are enjoying the conflict! This breaks out into additional side altercations and the chaos begins.

I suspect that some of them sit in church next to us and we would never have a clue how degrading these people can be to others! I think this is because some people are chameleons where their personality takes on the color of the environment they are in. In the case of politics, the color is very dark!! I see riots in the cities where buildings are being looted, burned and destroyed, and some people will INSIST they are peaceful protests. Well, yes, they BEGAN as peaceful protests, but how can anyone turn a blind eye to the riots going on and not try to at least stop it when fellow citizens are losing everything they have worked for in their life? I believe we are on the cusp of a civil war and I believe it is that serious! Why do I think this? Well, when civil discourse goes out the window from the general population, this is what it can possibly devolve into. I am always a supporter of individual thinking, but group think is very dangerous. I am always saddened when I see my friends or family speaking in a tone of derision when sharing their political beliefs. I have never seen so much hate thrown around in my entire life! Where has the hate come from? I am not talking about who or what it is they hate…I am talking about the hate itself. Where does that dark emotion come from? It isn’t healthy physically, emotionally or psychologically for anyone to live with feelings of hate as an internal emotion. It eats you up. I know who I am going to vote for and I believe I have done my homework! I have spent the last 5 months of “shelter in place” re-educating myself about both political sides and there is one clear cut winner (for ME). I have no intention of trying to convince anyone to come my line of thinking. I just pray that when we cast our votes, it is done fairly and without any cheating! That will be another story, I am sure! I will also pray, NOT asking God for MY chosen candidate to win, but for HIS choice to prevail! As I pray, I say “THY will be done LORD, THY will be done!”. This is what faith looks like! I also pray that peace will come back to our society. How can we live in this beautiful country and be so angry? I pray for Peace and Love, knowing that we may not ever find that perfect combination, but maybe along the way we can rediscover human kindness! The next life has peace and love in abundance! I look forward to the time when I can live a life where peace and love reign supreme! (I am in no hurry to go there, but am so happy to know this is ahead of me when I am called back “home”!)

Amen!

8/27/2020/jjb