Stored up tears!

I rarely cry. I don’t know why this is. I sometimes wonder if my psyche or subconscious has built a impenetrable wall around my heart to protect it (and me) from being hurt or bruised more than it can handle. I didn’t even cry at my Mothers funeral which was really strange because I had/have such intense feelings of love for her and a longing for her to be with me in the physical sense once again…I missed/miss her so much. My sturdy reinforced psyche’ opened all the floodgates about 6 months later when something triggered the release of those emotions and the tears flowed like a tsunami. It was exhausting, but offered relief from the pain I felt.

When I first heard the news of our friend’s death, I felt great sadness but did not cry. Al cried and so I comforted him, but as I did so, I stood strong and dry eyed.

Last night I was going back through photos, reliving times gone by with people we have loved. Upon viewing these pictures of people who are no longer in our life, it felt as if with each death, or loss, a piece of my heart was damaged and shriveled up.

It was late and Al had gone to bed. As I continued to go through the photos, I began to imagine what it would be like to lose Al and that is all it took for my emotional dam to break.

I cried and cried and cried…great big shoulder shaking sobs. Poor Al, it woke him up and there he stood, taking his turn at comforting me. I just could not stop.

My mind went over all the people we have known and loved who are no longer here. Then I thought of so many of our friends and family who have suffered the unimaginable loss of a spouse, a child, a parent, or a close friend and this really let loose all the tears I had stored up..

Loss of love is not confined to death. Loss happens with divorce, estrangement, rejection, being ignored, moving to new places, having a friend or beloved family member(s) move away, and the disintegration of a relationship. They all create their own kind of pain with the void remaining and sometimes it just hurts so bad, one’s mind, unbeknownst to the person, begins to build an emotional wall to survive the many psychological, emotional, and heartbreaking injuries.

I am certain we are here to learn about love and I realize that sometimes we have to suffer the loss of love to understand it’s priceless value! With each loss we begin to understand why God keeps encouraging us to understand that between faith, hope and love…the greatest of these is love.

Love is NOT free, though it may seem so. There is a price tag to love where we have to give up a piece of our heart and give up some of our imagined control to allow us to feel love fully. We really pay the ultimate price when the love we invested in is lost to us.

I have always been told that I am too sensitive and I used to take offense with this because it made me feel inferior to the person who said this. It made me feel weak. However, as I have matured, I have come to understand that it takes great strength for my spirit to coexist in the same body as my sensitive, deep feeling heart. It takes courage to open my heart to others knowing that an injury created by hurt may well be in my future.

In the end, though, it is worth it to give your love to others, even if they don’t love you back. Love is the way we fill up damaged pieces of our hearts. If a piece of my heart is missing due to loss, I find new love with which to patch the hole. The patch doesn’t eliminate the scar from that loss, for that scar will always be there, but it does help keep the heart from breaking into a hundred million little pieces.

I do not feel sorry for those that have died…they are beyond the pain of this world. However, I do feel sorry for all of us who have been left behind in the vast, quiet void and emptiness of their leave.

My nature is to automatically like most people no matter what walk of life they are on. We are all made by the same creator which makes us brothers and sisters, and by way of this connection we owe it to each other to show love and grace to one another. All of our journeys are hard…it is just the way life rolls. But we have the God given power to make the road a little less lonely by showing love and compassion to our fellow travelers as we traverse our life’s path.

My eyes are swollen and I am so tired today. But the tears provided the materials with which to patch the most recent crack in my heart. The crack represents a blessing that once made a home there. This crack is the mark our friend left for me so I can see him in my minds eye.

Love…it isn’t easy but it is definitely worth it!

Jjb/8/7/2018

2 thoughts on “Stored up tears!

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