I rarely cry…For some reason tears do not come easily to me, and this does not mean that I don’t feel emotion because I do feel it and often feel it deeply. For whatever reason, I just do not cry liquid tears very often. But this Christmas Eve was akin to taking the finger out of the proverbial dyke.
Mr. B and I were saving seats for the kids at church and they all filed in and sat down from the aisle seat down to the middle of the row where I was seated. A few minutes later, out of the corner of my eye I saw a young gentleman slipping in from the aisle on the other side and he sat down beside me. I looked at him and felt my heart begin to hammer when I realized it was our older son who, on impulse, drove from Minnesota to Texas to spend a few days with us. After my initial shock at recognizing him, followed by the ensuing hugs, we sat down waiting for the service to begin. As I sat there, I could feel my hearts emotion expanding to the point of bubbling up and over flowing down my face as I began to cry great big liquid tears and could not stop. My heart felt like it might not fit in my chest if it expanded even the tiniest bit more. I do not think there is any greater love than that of a parent for their child, no matter what their age is. Geographically, we live very far apart so our holiday times together are rare. Oh how wonderful it was to have him seated at our holiday table and during our gift exchange! I still cannot believe it! His wife and daughter gave him their blessings as they gifted us with the very best Christmas gift ever. The gift of another Mothers son arriving at Christmas. My tear ducts are very cleansed now until the next time they break loose which could be a very long time! Thank you Caroline and Madeline. We are deeply indebted to you for making our day! ❤️
This is the last “Reflection of thoughts” for a while, but I want to make a point of explaining the content of alot of my posts.
First of all, I just love to write. I also love to garden. In both places, I reside inside my head and find myself sorting through a lot of old and new files, old and new lessons, and old and new experiences, reflecting on what they mean to me and mulling over the lessons I have had.
It is second nature to me to roam around in the happy thoughts section of my mind because it is there I find the most peace, happiness and gratitude for the blessings bestowed on me.
My writings could easily give the reader the impression that I have had an unblemished, almost idealized type of life, and if that is the impression given, it would be most aggregiously wrong.
Throughout my life I have experienced a lack of many things that I have wanted which have been held back from my grasp. These experiences arise from imperfections large and small. A lot of my lessons have evolved from hurts or withheld love, done either intentionally or unintentionally. Some people have been unkind towards me and some have held me at arms length which has left me baffled. Because of these experiences, I have learned how that negative behavior affected my heart so I became determined to avoid doing these things to others because I know firsthand how it feels.
At the same time, I have also been well loved and unreservedly so, by many others. I learned love firsthand by so many big hearted family members, I came out of that fold filled to overflowing, so there is no feeling sorry for me! I was well cared for!
In other words, just as I am imperfect, so have been many of the people in my life. It is in this mix of imperfection where we find our greatest lessons on how to treat people, how to love them, how to show appreciation, and how to allow them to feel the love. I also know that we ALL have our turn to feel the raw and unfiltered lessons deeply and greatly and I think most of us come out of that experience with the desire to offer up some love and beauty along the way as a gift of caring, hoping someone will offer a similar gift of love, no matter how small a gesture, in return.
The description of God is love…one hundred percent, pure, unadulterated love. If a person had that kind of love in human form surrounding them all their life (no one does) then there can be no real appreciation for it. You cannot fully appreciate what has always existed for you because you don’t know the lack or pain of being without it.
God surrounds us at ALL times, despite occasional evidence to the contrary. God knows we need the tough lessons to become strong and clear in our convictions, so while he allows us to feel the earthly worlds problems firsthand, sometimes in painful, crushing ways, He is there anytime we choose to call him for comfort.
It is these type of disappointments that are the result of the “free will” God granted all of us, and where a person learns the value of the difficult lessons. Once learned and never forgotten, we can then choose to go down a more positive road, brightening others outlook on life and in the process, appreciating the value of turning away from the negativity.
When I write, I see my words as a visual experience, similar to someone picking out fabric for making a quilt. A quilter will pick out the colors and patterns that make them happy before they begin to piece together their own unique pattern. Those of you who are creative can appreciate the fact that when we make our choices in fabric, yarns, music, gardens, paintings, and many other creative materials, we generally go in the direction of what speaks to our soul and makes us happy. Most of us want to add beauty to the world in whatever way our talents unfold, so we try to repair and disguise our imperfections so we can offer up something beautiful that brings a smile to another persons face….a real heart lifter!❤️
So…….rather than write about my neighbor who is disgruntled in life and refuses to reach back in friendship, I choose to write about the sweet neighbor who stood on my doorstep with cookies when we first arrived.
Rather than focus on those who remain distant, I focus on those who reach out.
The reason for moving to Texas was not a whim on our part. We knew we were making a drastic decision, having been midwesterners all our life, but it was a decision made out of necessity, not a yearning to leave all we had loved and known.
An unfortunate result of this move was that we were never granted the blessing of living close by our only grandchildren, as so many others have been blessed, so, regretably, this has been a long distance relationship.
When we see a multitude of photos posted from friends surrounded by their many grandchildren having sleepovers, pizza parties, and great big family gatherings of life events, we know this is not our lot in life. In time, my emotional response became one of feeling good about seeing the happiness of those grandparents, knowing this is one of their blessings and they make me smile.
At the same time, we look for our own unique blessings, so we take a look at our own adult children, and we feel uplifted by their many kindnesses and sensitivity and we KNOW that they love us dearly and the feelings are returned equally. We know that our blessings look very different from other peoples blessings, but they are blessings, nonetheless..
So, you see, none of us get everything we want in life, but most of us get a whole lot more than we deserve. ❤️
These are just a few of the many things we have wrestled with in our life, but long ago we made the decision that it makes no sense to dwell on the lack or loss that exists in our reality. We know that it feels a whole lot better to look at the gifts and blessings rather than at the lack thereof.
So, dear friends, as you read this excerpt from the book below….it explains how I choose to live my life following the beauty and blessings with a strong willed laser focus.
Is our life problem free? Absolutely not….but just as flowers grow in and among the many weeds in a garden, the beauty of the flowers (our life) is what we focus on while we remove the very real threat growing around them just waiting to choke them out!
I write what I choose to focus on, but always lurking nearby are all of lifes problems just wanting me to turn my attention on them. No thank you!
Happy thought for the day? It was a great birthday weekend with our daughter. She was SO thrilled we came and we were happy that she felt this way! 🙂
The excerpt below from a wonderful book is a great way to live ones life! As the song goes, “ Keep it on the Sunny Side”
As a Man Thinketh Book As a Man Thinketh is a self-help book by James Allen, published in 1903. It was described by Allen as “… [dealing] with the power of thought, and particularly with the use and application of thought to happy and beautiful issues. I have tried to make the book simple, so that all can easily grasp and follow its teaching, and put into practice the methods which it advises. It shows how, in his own thought-world, each man holds the key to every condition, good or bad, that enters into his life, and that, by working patiently and intelligently upon his thoughts, he may remake his life, and transform his circumstances!
Old souls…..We have often heard this description of people we know who are introspective, observant, thoughtful, discerning, deep thinking, etc. In my opinion, it also refers to people who are drawn to things from another time frame in life and to those who are occasionally highly immersed in childhood memories. The latter two refer to me, but the first description comes fairly close too.
This morning we dressed in warmer clothes for church because the skies are gray and a cold front arrived during the night. The air is chilly enough to warrant long sleeves and a shawl. I love Texas for its “wait a minute” climate. Cold one day, warm the next, hot the next…you get the picture. “Wait a minute” does not apply to summer down here where its just plain hot for a few months, but the rest of the year is delightfully random. I love random!
Church was lovely and the music was the usual…all old hymns, which is our personal favorite. We recognize that across the globe, the church is slowly losing its old time culture in hymn conducted music, but thankfully, for us, this church embraces the hymns written so long ago.
As we sing these hymns, my mind carries me back to when I was a child, sitting next to my Mother (or Grandmother when Mom sang in the choir). I can still hear their voices as I sing with the hymns being played today.. “Rock of ages”, “Children of the Heavenly Father”, “How Great thou art”…All songs so familiar to this older congregation that the music and voices soar upward with enthusiasm on the refrains. Awe, I can feel my soul stir in warm response.
The Minister gave a wonderful Bible based message and he had our attention from beginning to end. Yes, he is a very good preacher.
Afterwards, as I reflected on our morning, In my minds eye I could see myself as a small child, so long ago, sitting in a pew next to my Mother. My hands, which were encased in white gloves, were clasping a nickle tied up within the corner of a hanky (handkerchief) for the offering. I see my young self observing the candelabras through my severely myopic eyes. Through the near sighted vantage point of a young child, I see huge glowing golden orbs above candles arranged in the ascending and descending order of a bright brass candelabra. Even at that young age, I enjoyed the structure and formality of a church. It felt safe and peaceful.
Here in our Sun City community, my husband and I enjoy watching the choir file into church up to the center front of the church where they sit facing the congregation under a huge, beautiful stained glass window. It’s orderly and I like order. It feels so right….so familiar to us even though we have only lived in this community one month shy of a year.
When my Mother lived in South America where the people and the culture were so different from anything she had ever known or was accustomed to, she said that the interdenominational church they attended offered her a feeling of familiarity in a foreign land. They followed old hymns and familiar prayers and passages. It brought her “home” in her heart and thoughts.
We live in a world that has become so fast paced there is no time for stories around the campfire as it were. People have moved far and wide following career paths far away from family. Handing down family traditions has taken a back seat in many homes to modern times and modern thinking.
We have been blessed with wonderful children who make a difference in this world and we have a very good relationship with them. We enjoy each other’s company and love each other very much. That said, I find myself wondering if they really know us for who we actully are other than that of an aging parent? Do they realize our love of all things music…(or maybe I should say most things music?) Do they realize our love of dancing….waltzes, two step, rock and roll? Do they know how often we sit on our small back porch listening to an old time favorite radio station, sipping a glass of wine and watching birds and butterflies and dragonflies flit by, sometimes riding the currents? It is almost a dance of their own making when they glide in the air, sometimes chasing each other.
Sadly, I don’t think any child sees their parent as an individual walking around encapsulated within ALL the ages we have ever been. Some days we are 16 when we excitedly get dressed for a special event. Some days we are 6 when we delight in the magic of something brand new. Some days we live in the present…in the sad reality of our elder age when we are hit with the unwanted news about loss of health or life of one of our contemporaries.
Yes! We ARE ALL the ages we have ever been and our mental rolodex contains all the experiences we have ever lived. So we flip that rolodex to view the good times, the happy times, the blessed times…all the positives we can find.
Maybe fast paced and busy is just the way it is these days. Fortunately for me, I was blessed with a close relationship with my Mother where I knew her thoughts and feelings on so many issues because I had the time to listen and the curiosity to ask a multitude of questions. From her, I heard many family stories that my own children don’t know because they haven’t heard them. Time and distance has just not supported that dialog. It’s a different world.
This is why I write down my thoughts. I have no illusion about my writing. I will never be an author, but WILL always write down thoughts as they come to me. Maybe in my Mothers heart, I hope someday one of my children will find my “Musings” box of writings and find out who their Mother really was, what she thought, and how she felt about living in these times. On the other hand, they may look at that old box of yellowed papers and think that there still is no time to read what someone once thought and decide it would make an excellent fire starter. LOL! Ca-sa-ra-sa-ra! What will be will be! I won’t be here to know it one way or another. Still, the writing is therapeutic to me, so it serves a good purpose. As I write my thoughts and observances, it is like having a conversation with myself (who, by the way, is my best friend). Yup, I like this old girl despite all her flaws because she has a good heart and her intentions are usually very good! She is good company for her introverted side. I wish my children knew this! 😁
Enough for one day….What is your favorite hymn and where does it carry you when you hear it? Is there a favorite childhood memory that you like to take out on occasion and give it a good long look? Aren’t we lucky to have made it this far in life? God is good!
Its early morning and the sun is sending shafts of light through our south facing windows into our living space. I love a morning sun! ❤️
As my eyes travel about the room over a steaming cup of coffee, my gaze falls upon this little crystal vase on our coffee table. Presently it holds a grassy plant and a small zinnia but when I first received it, it held a perfectly formed yellow rose! This memory of that rose brings me back to that long ago day when our son Phillip gifted it to me for Mothers Day.
A while back, as we made decisions about what to keep and what to toss in our shedding of material goods to accommodate moving into a smaller home, this vase stayed with us. My Mother’s heart could not part with it, and even as I say this, I would guess he doesn’t even remember giving it to me after all these years! Lol!
As I age, I find I am more reflective in my thoughts. This doesn’t mean I live in the past…..no! I am enjoying the present day to day life way too much to do that, but my sentimental side seems to thrive in the memories files so easily accessible to me.
That said, the times seem to be becoming more frequent that an item such as this will jar my memory of the gift bearer . When I see it, hold it or use it, it always brings a smile to my face and the feeling of love once presented to me in this form revisits me….and it feels wonderful!
I think God purposely gifted us with a very expansive memory bank to store many of our life events just for those times we want to revisit them. The painful events, thankfully, are only a few, but they are stored there as a reminder of that particular lesson we learned. Its the area where most of our spiritual growth happens. It is also the area where because of those same experiences we become a valuable friend to others who may need comfort in their own similar challenges in life.
The happy events are there so when we revisit certain joyful moments in our memory, a warm feeling of gratitude envelopes us as we see how much we have been blessed in this lifetime.
There is even a file for what we think of as the hum-drum day to day events in our life. This is where we learn a belated appreciation for things we did not realize were blessings at the time. Looking back, we realize that most of our memories were created in the day to day routine, this seemingly uneventful existence called life. When we visit this memory bank and look at the things we and our loved ones did, things that seemed insignificant at the time, we begin to understand that much of the day to day journey we experienced was littered with glittering jewels of blessings on the rocky path we traveled. All that was needed to appreciate it all was perspective. As they say, looking back is always 20/20 vision and sometimes we need time and distance before we get that clarity of vision and insight into our life!
Every day I find something to feel grateful for. I really do! Today I am grateful for a sons expression of love given to me so long ago! ❤️
Love this photo shot! We had the best day. Mild temps, cool water and I walked the beach for 1 hour and 45 minutes.. As I walked I decided to give the gift of a smile and a greeting to every one I passed! Every single person smiled back with their own greeting. I think that for the most part, humanity is a good creation. We all just want to feel peace, love and harmony in this world. By the way, as I walked along with the cool waves rushing over my feet, my spirit was ageless. I felt like a young adolescent. I felt young and healthy and strong. Not that I am any of that, but for that space of time as I strolled along I felt that way. My endorphins were at full steam! Happiness always occurs when in nature! ❤️❤️❤️
So, the electrician left this morning and I do believe that this was the final project completed in our new-old house! Yay for our team. After he left we hopped in the car to bring returns to UPS and to drop off clothes for alterations. It has been years since I have had anything altered so my mouth dropped when she quoted me prices for hemming garments! WHY didn’t I pay more attention in Home Economics back in school all those many years ago? Gulp!
From there we went to the Georgetown Library to gather up some books for our vacation! I am now a proud card carrying Georgetown Library citizen! I am sitting here sipping a chai tea by the Little Lemon cafe. We are looking forward to reading our books inside a cabana on the beach! It’s a way off yet, but we are really looking forward to some R & R after months and months of downsizing and moving and rehabbing.
We are ready for the next leg of our earth journey…new friends, new places to see, leisurely walks…oh yeah…aging isn’t so bad!
Every morning, I usually walk from our bedroom to the kitchen to prepare my french press coffee and then carry it to my chair in the great room. This is a daily ritual. On clear days with blue skies, I am greeted by long, bright shafts of light pouring through the triple patio doors which graces the interior of our new (old) cottage.
We are experiencing many new things in our recent move and this is one of our favorite changes. In all of our married life, I don’t think we have ever had a large window with a southern exposure. It is pure pleasure. The perks that we are discovering in our 20 year old house are often unexpected because we had our last two homes built, so they had all new features. This house is such a source of pleasure to me with its slightly aged feel and and I especially like the smaller footprint it leaves on Gods green earth.
Good morning sunshine! You are my favorite friend to run into on a sunny southern day! Hello God! I know it is You! Thanks for stopping by!
Side yard to our new itty bitty life. I thought about the lyrics to Alan Jacksons song and it actually fits our life quite well. We started out itty bitty and now at some point we will be making the final exit from another version of itty bitty. Alan Jackson is right when he sang, “it’s alright to be itty bitty!”. Its not only alright, at this age it suits us perfectly well. I always felt that a little cottage life would be the best kind of life.
Little Bitty Alan Jackson Have a little love on a little honeymoon You got a little dish and you got a little spoon A little bitty house and a little bitty yard A little bitty dog and a little bitty car
Well, it’s alright to be little bitty A little hometown or a big old city Might as well share, might as well smile Life goes on for a little bitty while
A little bitty baby in a little bitty gown It’ll grow up in a little bitty town Big yellow bus and little bitty books It all started with a little bitty look
Well, it’s alright to be little bitty A little hometown or a big old city Might as well share, might as well smile Life goes on for a little bitty while
You know you got a job and a little bitty check A six pack of beer and a television set Little bitty world goes around and around Little bit of silence and a little bit of sound
A good ol’ boy and a pretty little girl Start all over in a little bitty world Little bitty plan and a little bitty dream It’s all part of a little bitty scheme
It’s alright to be little bitty A little hometown or a big old city Might as well share, might as well smile Life goes on for a little bitty while It’s alright to be little bitty A little hometown or a big old city Might as well share, might as well smile Life goes on for a little bitty while
In my dream, I am standing at the entrance door to a huge auditorium filled with people I have known throughout my life. My heart stirs as my eyes take in their various ages and faces. How beautiful the memories are that flood through my mind as I take in the view. The bleachers are just packed with people.
Off to one side, high up in the bleacher section is a very cute lanky teenager by the name of Huey! I remember how much everyone liked him in high school and of course there was a good reason for this because he was an affable kind of guy with reddish hair and freckles sprinkled across his smiling face. He was a much loved only child.
Not far away from where he sits is my best friend from high school. Marci is as tiny as ever and I recall how she and I got the nickname of Mutt & Jeff (from an old cartoon strip of two friends tall and short) she being the short one, and me…tall and lanky. She may have been small but she was a strong person in her own right. When she laughed, her shoulders always moved with her laughter! Her shoulders are moving now as I see her laughing at something someone just said. She is sitting next to her Mom and Dad and daughter and as I glance their way, they do a little wave of their hands and smile in my direction.
I see a small petite woman with dark hair and a smile on her face. She is looking around like the new kid in the class. She IS the new kid in the class. She is orienting herself to her new surroundings and chattering with the groups of women she is sitting with! Terri! What are you doing there?
I see someone else waving wildly at me from the middle of the crowd, his wide toothy smile cutting across his face under shining dark eyes and a head of dark Italian hair! My goodness that is Larry! It has been SO many years now since I last saw him. He looks wonderful and SO happy! He was an amazing caring human being! A heart of pure gold. My very first boyfriend who taught me so much about loving myself.
As my eyes continue to scan the room, I see more and more people who have contributed to my life in one way or another and as I see each face, names begin to pop into my head…Paul, Robbie, Alden, Gordy, Jenice, Donnie, Sue, Dan, Chuck, Kevin, Barb, Al….so many, oh, so many! They are having way too much fun! Paul is holding his latest fishing lure and waving it in the air so I would notice.
Oh, and there is Uncle Dale and he looks just fantastic, much like he did when he was a young man. A tall, slender, young version of Pat Boone, who was a singer from back in the 60’s. He is so handsome. He is sitting next to my Mother (his sister) and his brother. His parents (my Grandparents) are there too (Art and Esther) and they are busy talking to my other paternal Grandparents (Annie and Eddie).
Next to Annie and Eddie are many of their 12 children. I can see Chet, Bud, Roy, Vivian, Bonnie, Eleanor, Janet, Ruthie, Doris and Jackie. Looks like Don and Herbie couldn’t make it. Julie is there too, along with Kim and Shane. I think I see Jennifer but not sure because her head is turned as she talks to the person behind her.
Just then I felt a tap on the shoulder and a guy and his wife who seem to be running late are hurrying into the room to grab their seats before the music starts. Art and Verona! Oh my goodness, my Mother and Father in law! Verona gave me a quick hug as she scurried by and her sister Ruth was right behind her with her husband Ruban and gave me a sweet smile.
I can see Edith, my favorite childhood music teacher there and she is standing on the floor in front of the crowd sorting her pages of music, getting the crowd ready for the upcoming musical event.
The mood in the room is festive and I can hear many hushed excited voices and I am wondering what it is they are all anticipating? What are they waiting for?
I step inside the doorway to enter the room so I can find my seat, but a man steps forward and asks for my pass. “My pass? What pass?”
“You must have a pass to come in here. Do you have one?”
Confused, I said “Well, no, sir I do not…but there are many here who will vouch for the fact that I have been invited”
“That may be” he said, “but no pass, no admittance”
Incredulous I ask that he check the list. He goes down the list and then begins flipping over many, many pages as he scans top to bottom of each one. Finally, he says, “Here it is…I found your name”
Relieved, I say, “Oh good! I was getting worried there for a minute. I want to go in there now and see my friends and family”
He said, “Sorry, Ms. J…..today is not the day of your reservations. You must have written down the wrong date. I have a different day listed for your pass!””
“What? What do you mean? I am going to miss the concert and I want to see them so badly!”
He said softly “Oh you will see them in due course and there will be a beautiful concert in your honor too when it is your time. It just isn’t going to be today. Everyone is excited for that moment but they know you have more things to do on earth to fulfill your purpose. Now, if you don’t mind, please step aside because the guest of honor has arrived.”. As I did so, a small petite blonde woman passed by, giving me a sweet smile as she did, and the room full of people broke forth in shouts of welcome and songs of praise. Then the door closed.
Blinking….I woke up!
Slightly disoriented and staring at the ceiling, I wondered if somehow I had been gifted with a peek into my future home. Maybe a foretaste of the feast (or concert) to come? I continued to lay there basking in all the old memories of a life gone by. It was wonderful seeing all of them again and I have to say, I was shocked to see just how many people I have known who have left this world for the next one ahead of me.
I am not afraid of dying because there really is no death. Life to life is how I see it. Eternal life is there for the taking. All you have to do is accept His Grace. I have many loved ones who have gone ahead who have reached their eternal reward. My time is written in the book of life and I don’t know the exact date, but it is GOOD to know it IS there.
I throw the covers back, stretch my arms to the sky and hop out of bed. Today is the day the Lord has made and I am going to rejoice and be glad in it! I am also going to work on fulfilling my purpose, whatever form that takes. Now…a cup of coffee is sounding very good right now to this earth bound human.
How does one define love?It depends on who you are talking about. There are so many different kinds of love…Mother love, child love, grandchild love, sibling love, friend love, love thy neighbor…Lots of different ways to love and so many people to care about.
But, I am talking about the love of a significant other….that person that makes your heart explode when they walk into the same roomyou are in.
It is interesting, this thing called chemistry. How is it that a girl can be in a room with many boys milling around, but only ONE catches her attention as the quick glance exchangemakes her heart skip a beat, or two or three?
I remember the night I met my husband. I had gone out for the evening with two of my roommates after they spent quite a lot of time convincing me to do so. I wasn’t really in the mood to go anywhere but they did not want to go out with only the two of them. Those were the days when there was a sense of propriety about how women were seen in public. They thought it would look better if there were three of us. They wanted to go to a “ladies night out” that was advertised and hosted by a local bowling alley on the ballroom side of the building. I reluctantly agreed and off we went.
The evening did not start off very well as a couple of different guys came up to ask me to dance. Nope, nope and nope! Just NOT in the mood, they were NOT my type, and thank you anyway! Then I felt a hand tap me on the shoulder and I turned around to tell them again “NO THANK YOU!” and there he stood. Little did I know it at the time, but my future was standing there in front of me with a head full of sandy blonde hair, an earnest grin, bashfully asking me to dance. He was very good looking but what attracted me most washis shy nature. I agreed to dance and that was the beginning of Chapter One of the book of our life together. We eventually got married and will be celebrating 50 years of marriage this coming February.
Chemistry….we still have it going! We were both very lucky to find someone where the love endured! It did not just endure, it grew and thrived! My heart still goes pitter pat when he enters a room I am in! He claims the same is true for him.
There are a number of things that did not work out as we originally intended. We have had our own fair share of disappointments and failures and do-overs! We have had some dreams go “poof” disappearing into thin air. But, we have had a lot of blessings too along the way. It seems that life brings to us a series of contrasting experiences so we understand the blessings when we see them, similar to how comforting the warmth of a fire feels after being chilled, or how good a soft bed feels when one is exhausted. I think life is full of contrasts for the purpose of making us growand learn gratitude.
Like many people, we got married, bought a house, and had kids. In the early years, we both worked to make ends meet. Then his career took off which meant we moved many times. Those years were exciting as the future seemed endlessly bright. We became financially comfortable, and I was free to be theMom and wife I always aspired to be. Yes, I was that antiquated in my thinking. I was rewarded with the life I desired. We had more of life’s challenges along the way, but weathered them as best we could.
As I write this, many years have passed by and we are now old! I remember when our parents were our age and we definitely thought of them as old. But despite what others see when they look at us, we don’t see each other in the same way the world does. We do recognize that we are no longer that lively, fun loving couple who danced their hearts out the first night we met. Well, ACTUALLY, we are still lively and fun loving but we don’t have the same amount of energy that we once had. Instead of dancing the jitterbug, we are now waltzing through life.
We LOVE our life together. Retirement has brought us the gift of time. We have our devotions and prayer in the mornings after a walk. We plan our meals and work in the garden. We read books and enjoy researching various topics on the internet.We have quiet conversation on many topics just before dinner. Then, every Friday and Saturday night, we listen to a radio station called Heartland radio that plays the most beautiful soul stirring music and we let our spirits dance with the rhythm of the music. Sundays we go to church and enjoy visiting the Lord and seeing our various friends while in attendance.
We see each other at a heart level these days. We would not impress any other human being at all with our appearance on any given day. What is so beautiful about this is we are each living an existence with someone who sees our beautythrough the wrinkles, the white hair and our misshapen older bodies. It is the purest of loves, really. It is a love that has no expectationsbut rather a love that wants to be of service to one another. Love is the way my heart swells when he walks by and pats me on the head as I am reading in my chair. Love is that passing hug we give each other on a whim. Love is the way a heart feels when watching the other sleep deeply during a daytime nap. We can see that we are not what we used to be, but God willing, theres a lot of life left to live. We know we are in it for the long haul now, and we are happy to do it!
We can see the “Exit” sign clearly these days, knowing that the time is coming when one or the other of us will go through that door, but we do not dwell on it. Our awareness that this probability exists and is getting closer every year makes living in the NOW so very important. Our past is used up and our future is unknown. There is no point looking in either direction because it just steals from the moment of now. These days, I spend a lot of time in the NOW reflectingon my good fortune. I observe my husband going about his day and take joy just watching him and offer up many thanks to God for that very fortuitous moment so long ago when he tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around to see a very beautiful soul standing there with a smile on his face and hope shining in his eyes that I would say yes!
Yes! Yes! and Yes! A hundred times over through the years I have said yes to this person who makes my soul take flight. I cannot imagine my life without him which is my biggest incentive for living in the now! How do I define love? Loving another more than one loves oneself! That is the definition of love in our home!
I was sitting at my roll top desk today, sorting, discarding and sometimes pausing to read someones note or card on my desk. I enjoyed a ”visit” from my Mother who’s letter was written back when she was about the age I am now. She was commenting on how much there is to do in old age to prepare for the inevitable. I imagined her writing the note as I nodded my head in agreement and smiled as I read it.
Then I looked at a note that was written to me about 40 years ago from a friend who had just sold our home for us. She had placed the ads from the paper in the note card along with a contract on the house. We had unknowingly used a realtor who was not happy in his career and when the contract ended he quit and went off to be a traveling gospel singer. 😐 We had already moved to another state and the story is too long to share here, but her husband built a “for sale” sign (for sale by owner) painted it and placed it in the front yard. Before the paint was dry a couple asked to see the house and bought it. I wasn’t even middle aged yet at that point. We were thrilled but did not see it for the miracle it was.
I picked up an envelope of pictures a good friend had sent to me from her sons wedding back in 2004. My intent was to mail them to her for the fun of invoking old memories but for one reason or another, never got it mailed. She recently passed away and now I have missed my opportunity to put a smile on her face with that package.
Mom passed away long ago, and so did my friends husband who painted the sign. As I sat there riffing through my address book I saw many lines drawn through names. I cannot bring myself to erase them, because every time I see a crossed off name I see them in my minds eye and I find myself saying “hello…I miss you”.
I can see now that growing old, should God decide this is my journey, will be one full of a long line of subtractions and it makes me so sad. For the average person, beginning on the day we are born, we are surrounded by a big welcome and a lot of love. From that point forward we keep adding people to our life from our neighborhood, our extended family, our school, and our church. Then we fall in love…and if we are blessed we add more people to our life!
But then the time eventually comes where the additions become subtractions. Our parents die, friends die, other family and acquaintances die. Our children get married and move into their adult life. Now in this case it isn’t a subtraction, rather it is an addition of offspring and a shared role. We slide over and let our adult children become the conductors of our family orchestra, because we are no longer the “Maestro”….the lead conductor!
My point in this piece is that life is Math! There are additions and subtractions and sometimes even some multiplications. That said, more and more subtractions occur as we enter old age. I think there is a whittling down of ego too. By the time it is our turn to pass to the other side of the veil, we are aware that we are merely one tiny piece of a whole, similar to how the grains of sand contribute to the existence of a beach. Every grain of sand is an integral part of the beach but no one grain of sand stands out as more important than the next to the creation of the whole. We come from God and go back to God and somewhere along the way we realize we have been a small part of the whole of creation!
I miss my loved ones so much…and I do recognize the blessing each and every one of them were to my life. Every single person has left their mark on me, a lesson I needed to learn. Someday, we will reunite and that sounds so good to me. They are a beautiful part of my past but it is in the present where I live.
I enjoyed my visits from my past today and when I was done, I responded to a call from my husband saying it was time to make dinner. As we were making dinner I realized that we were making memories right now for future recall. Memories are being made every moment of every day! Cherish these moments because at sometime, somewhere, someone will be picking up one of the notes we sent to them. They will read them imagining our face as they do. They will pause and bask in the memories our words on paper evoke. The words will bring our memory alive and as they remember us they will smile. Then, the phone will ring, we will vanish and back to the present they will return. Just like that!
I miss my loved ones, which makes me cherish those who are still here even more! God bless everyone past and present and future! What a blessing this life is even with all the twists and turns on the road of our journey. Thank you God for the opportunity. If earth is this beautiful, I really look forward to heaven where perfection reigns!
I am feeling very down today as my very good, longtime friend is being honored by her family and friends at her funeral up in Minnesota. She was very loved by most everyone who ever met her and I am sure her funeral is packed. Texas is a bit far to travel to Minnesota on such short notice, so I have told her daughter that my plan is to come up to Minnesota towards fall to take her and her brother out to dinner and have a night of sharing stories in memory of their Mother. I have so many!
She was the rare person who was an open book about her life and feelings. Because of this, people felt a kinship with her fairly quickly. In a world of superficiality and societies obsessive competition with the Jones’s, she had neither of these traits. I always marveled at her ability to be happy for others in whatever they achieved or owned. She never acted jealous or envious of anyone.
When I first met her, I was enchanted with her dark Italian looks. She was tiny and always immaculately dressed. Her hands were beautiful and always well groomed with lovely lacquered nails. She could have been a hand model. Actually, she could have been a model for the petite section of womens clothing with her sleek trim body. No matter what she wore, she enhanced the outfit, rather than the other way around.
She had a fabulous sense of humor and I loved watching her laugh as her face and arms became very animated when something tickled her funny bone. She was rarely without a smile in her face.
We met in our very early 20’s and stayed friends for over 50 years. Even as my husbands career forced us to move hither and yon, it never broke the bond. No matter how much time passed, we could pick up the phone and begin a conversation where we last left off.
She asked me and my husband to be the Godparents for her son and we were honored that she did. She was a good and caring Mother to her children and was very proud of them.
She became a roommate of mine early on. There were 4 of us who shared an apartment, and we all eventually moved to the lower half of a duplex before we got married. We met up one night to introduce each other to our dates and as we walked toward each other, the guys reached out to shake hands and were happy to reacquaint with one another. She and I looked at each other and started to laugh. What are the odds that they already knew each other? Small world!
We got engaged and married within months of each other, had our children in close proximity of birth, and always, always stayed in touch. Through the years we watched each others lives unfold and we shared many happy gatherings. We were always happy to see each other because it meant sharing, caring and laughter.
Now, suddenly, she is gone from my life. I know that she has graduated to a much more beautiful existence, and so to emulate Terri, I choose to be happy for her for where she is right now. But, I am NOT happy to lose her presence in my life.
She was the Ethel to my Lucy. We named each other years ago as we watched old episodes of the “I love Lucy” show in our little apartment. I got the title of Lucy because she saw me as being crazy and zany and as unpredictable as Lucy (in my younger years) Lol. She became Ethel by default. The point of our annointing was that we always found ourselves in crazy innocent predicaments and we always soldiered onward with each other. We were fast friends with an unbreakable bond.
She was never judgmental about people. She LOVED people and always looked for the best in them. She was extremely social as a person, far more social than this mildly social introvert (yours truly). I used to listen to her social schedule and would be amazed at her energy level. She loved having friends and they responded to this trait in her because she had more friends than I could ever hope to have. Yet, she carved out a niche for me in her heart and it was always open to me to step right on in.
Yes, I am sad today, and I have felt an overwhelming sense of loss since I first realized she wasn’t going to make it. I have lost other friends too through the years, each time a painful passage to go through. I realize as these friends leave earth that I am losing a piece of myself with each and every one of them! They take with them our mutual experiences that no one else knows. No one else has knowledge of that little shared part of my life like she did. So, once a person loses a loved one, we are never complete again. It is as if the completed puzzle picture of our life has a piece taken out of it with each exit. When you look at our puzzle picture, you get the general picture of who I am, but with pieces missing. The observer can only guess at what part of my existence was in that now empty spot.
Terri, I will never be the same without you. When you left, you didn’t just take one piece out of my puzzle picture, you took many, because we shared so much of life. If heaven has a reception room, I know that a circle has formed around you of loved ones who have missed you since their own departures. I can hear laughter in the air and can see your head thrown back in mirth as your animated gestures remind all of your Italian heritage. I envy that gathering that I am not a part of.
My wish is this…when it is my time to move on to the next life…I hope you are at the gate to greet me, usher me in and show me around. No doubt, we will not miss a beat as we dive into sharing what we each have been doing in our respective lives.
I love you Terri. You made such an impact in this life…especially to me! If possible, please keep in touch! ❤️
For me, life has been quiet for some time now…..Right now I can hear the clocks ticking as they mark time. No music is playing. No television or radio making a sound. I find it interesting how well my ears pick up every little sound. I can hear the lawn crew mowing grass outside and the occasional car driving by. I can hear birds singing in the distance. I hear the washing machine churning and swishing my clothes in the laundry room down the hall. I like this kind of environment. I like being a part of the daily hum drum of life. I like the quiet of everyday routine that makes up so much of my life.
We are now going into the third year of a Pandemic, though the critical nature of it seems to be waning. What this critical world event brought to me was a self awareness I haven’t had since childhood, because there was now so much time to fill at home away from others. When we were ordered into the lockdown, some people struggled with the restriction of staying home, but I found myself hunkering down and going about the business of reacquainting myself with ME….the “original” me, not the one who has long delivered to people their expectations of who I should be. I discarded the “me” who put so much thought into my speech and behavior for the comfort level of others. It wasn’t that I was being artificial, because that was a facet of me as well, but it was a learned one. That facet of me always felt obligated to step up to fit into society in a way that was considered the norm. So often, after fun filled parties and social gatherings we would come home and I would have a need to ”plug in” to restore all the energy expended while among so many people. “Plugging in” simply meant retreating back into the quiet and comfort of our home to rejuvenate.
Growing up I spent a lot of time reading. It was not unusual for me to go to the bookmobile and come back home with 9 or 10 books in my arms piled so high I could barely see past them. I read them all and brought them back in two weeks to gather some more. I spent many hours exploring the worlds created by the imagination and research of any given author. As I would read their stories, my mind was busy painting a picture of the characters involved and their surroundings, be it nature or architecture. I loved living in my headexploring the worlds laid out before me in the form of words in a book.
I also loved exploring the world around where I lived, whether it be laying on my back on the soft mossy earth beneath a fragrant canopy of tall pine trees, enjoying the view of the long slanted beams of sunlight, or wading barefoot in a lake or stream. I was often solitary in my pursuits because I liked going wherever the spirit moved me. Childhood was an excellent time in my life where we were surrounded by an abundance of relatives who lived nearby. The world was more innocent then and felt much safer. In fact, it never even occurred to our Mothers that harm could come to us as we roamed the woodlands with old logging trails, and swam in the rivers and lakes, not coming back home until our stomachs indicated it was time for supper. This is where I learned to be comfortable in my own company. I did have many cousins and local children with which to do childhood things and I enjoyed that as well. It was a well balanced life. We all ran the country side wild and free, and my favorite activity was swimming in a nearby lake.
Where I lived, it was an economically level playing field, meaning there was no competition or pecking order amongst the community members because we all lived the same kind of life. We had enough of everything but not an over-abundance of anything except for love….there was an abundance of that and plenty to go around.
I DO love people and relationships. I just don’t need a whole lot to fill my cup. One or two good solid friends have always been my preferred way of existence. It is wonderful communing with someone about life, having a special person with whom I can share my thoughts and feelings and have a friendly debate about our differences of opinions even as we stand in solidarity about other things. Yes, this is very nice!
The me that I rediscovered this past couple of years is far more open and fluid in my thoughts and actions and much more free in following my spirit’s desire. I don’t even think about it all that much. I put my spirit in the drivers seat and I go along for the ride. What an adventure it has been, though at times, quiet and pensive. I LIKE the child side of myself..the persona who lives free of expectations to perform in a certain way. I often invite my child to come out and play, to be authentic and realand free to BE who God intended her to be. She is happy to be herself in all her unique, awkward, uninhibited ways. I am far better off being an original than a poor copy of someone else.
My nature is a sensitive one which has been pointed out to me on occasion. People are generally much more impressed by the strong and practical type. “Don’t be so sensitive” they say, but I think to myself “thank you very much, but I like how I am.” I like my sensitivity. I admit being sensitive is sometimes the precursor to a wounded heart, but the good far outweighs the bad in the way I sense other peoples moods and how my heart always leans into the needs of others. This nature of sensitivity was part and parcel of who I was when I entered this world, and I figure if God made me this way, then there was a very good reason for my existence in the world as I am. Perhaps this is why I am happy in my own company.
I remain in a mode of self discovery and this morning I realized I haven’t written in quite a while. I have many home projects that are taking my time and attention these days and a courtyard full of plants and flowers that need a lot of extra watering during this unusually hot summer of skyrocketing temperatures. Summers are generally hot in the south, but this year seems to be a record breaker. When I go out there and spend time with my plants, I step out of the past (or future, depending on where my mind has taken me) and jump right back into the present. To live in the moment is the purest way of communing with God. I see God everywhere when I am outside. He is in the plants and the trees, the butterflies, the birds, the ants, the sunshine and the clouds. He is in the bright blue sky overhead and He is in the rain that helps me water my plant family. God is everywhere, but never so visible as he is in a garden of His creation!
Its a very good day today and I am glad I took a moment to jot down my thoughts. I remember a phrase I once heard quoted which was “me, myself and I” and it is a good one because we make a good team, we three! I think it is why I sometimes find myself thinking out loud. I often laugh when I realize I am talking to myself and then understand “the three that is me” gets a real kick out of these silly moments. By the way, it should be read as me, myself and I(am) because God is within me…the great “I AM”
O.k. God…I will meet you outside now in my garden as I usually do. I can hear you calling to me. It is time to put away my musings and make some plants very happy as I hydrate them.
Until another time then….and thank you, “I”, for listening.With love and appreciation,…..”me” ❤️🙏🏼
Thoughts Expressed from my Retirement Nest! 